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7 Safewords |
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SAFEWORDS
BY
LORD SUTTLE
What is a safeword; exactly what it sounds
like! A word that keeps you safe. There are three levels of safewords, just
like a stoplight. Red means stop, yellow means slow down, and green means go.
Although not everyone uses colors as safewords this is a good place to start in
order to explain what a safeword is. Let’s examine each level.
RED - Stop, we’ve gone too far and the scene must end
immediately. No one should ever attempt to renegotiate once this safeword has
been used. For both Tops and bottoms this scene is over. If you’re playing with
someone who doesn’t respect your safeword odds are they aren’t going to respect
the limitations you have negotiated. This might be the time to be sane and
discontinue play with this particular person. Also as a bottom you have your
own set of responsibilities. Never forget the story of the Boy who cried Wolf.
Just because you need to switch positions does not mean it’s time to use the
ultimate safeword. Safewording when you truly don’t need to will set
limitations that the Top you are playing with will remember the next time you
play. For example: You’ve been playing with a deerskin flogger and your top
switches to a bull, you safeword because your knees are sore, if this isn’t
communicated to the Top, odds are the Top isn’t going to attempt to use a bull
flogger on you again.
YELLOW - Slow down, I don’t want the play to stop but what
you’re doing is more intense than I can endure. This is used to let the top
know the bottom is in some type of discomfort, either from play or from
positioning; for the top it means it is time to check in and see what is going
on. Does the bottom have a leg cramp, are his hands falling asleep, or is the
toy you’re using simply too intense?
GREEN - Everything’s fine, keep going. This is often used
when exploring passing existing limits. Many who have been in the lifestyle for
awhile learn that when they originally sat down and made their list of
limitations come to realize that over time limitations change. The “I never
want to try this” turns into “Well this might be fun so I can experiment a
little.”
While for the above examples I have used
colors for the words you must keep in mind that there are many other words used
and many other ways of communicating. Often at large parties it is a standard
to use the word “safeword” as the safeword. This eases the dungeon monitor’s or
master’s burden in distinguishing what’s going on. Not every monitor will know
that when the bottoms screams “stars” he is wanting the scene to end.
Safewords are not limited to the physical
aspects of play. Sometimes it’s the mental limitations that need this safety
net. Safewords should never be ignored. There is no way of knowing what
limitation has been crossed or what physical or mental damage is being done!
There are many ways of playing with
safewords and we must keep in mind that not everyone has the same views
regarding safewords. It is also important for an outsider to know what has been
negotiated between two partners prior to play. The following examples of the
different ways we play will discuss some aspects of play that I do not
recommend people participate in at public play events. Playing beyond safeword
types of play could cause your scene to be terminated by the party DM; yes I
realize that you could discuss your plans prior to play with the dungeon
monitor however this will then place the DM in the position of having to
explain to everyone else at the party what exactly it is you’re doing. As a DM
you are responsible not only to the persons playing but also to everyone
attending the party. There is also the possibility that another participant may
stop your scene with the thought that the DM is not performing his duties.
The different ways we play.
Playing without voices - When a bottom is place in a position or bondage
which prevents his voice from being heard how exactly are you supposed to know
if he’s going to safeword? Although this might sound simple it is quite
complex. There are other methods that can be employed to provide information.
Such as, if the bottom is gagged, you may place a handkerchief in one hand, when
the bottom drops it, the bottom has now safeworded or the bottom may be
instructed to snap his fingers when in peril. There are many subtle clues that
can be given in order to accommodate this type of play.
Playing to safeword - This is actually a good idea for those who desire
to reach or cross over limitations they have set in the past. The “I want to
know if I can take 1000 lashes” idea is perfect for the safeword especially if
negotiated from the beginning i.e. We are going to play to safeword. This leaves
top and bottom free to reach and stretch boundaries. Since both parties know
they are playing to safeword there is no fear of disappointment or failure.
Both will reach their goals. This is also a great tool when doing interrogation
scenes. Obviously during this type of play the interrogator is after a specific
type of information, this information is of course the safeword, for example
the captive may be asked for a combination to a safe, this combination is
actually the bottom’s birthday, etc. This type of play allows the bottom to
actually lie about his safeword, perhaps giving the top’s birthday instead.
Playing beyond safeword - This is a type of play that is pre-negotiated
either at the beginning of the scene or previously in the relationship. What
does this mean? This means that the bottom is given a safeword that he may use
at any time during play however it is left to the top’s discretion to stop or
continue the scene. This is an intense form of play and should only be used by
those with large amounts of experience in playing with each other. This is
typically done in a Master/slave relationship. For those with the desire for
nonconsensual play this is definitely a level they desire to achieve. This type
of play can be very gratifying to both the Master and slave. Although this type
of play can be considered as nonconsensual, is it really since at one point in
the past it was negotiated or does this simply give the feeling of
nonconsensuality? This type of play involves a very high level of trust for
both the top and bottom. As always our concern for the bottom who uses a
safeword is evident, however for the top playing in this realm is very extreme.
Not only must the top be concerned for the bottom’s health, but must also be
aware of their own mental safety. Playing beyond safewords means the top must
live with whatever happens beyond that final word. As always we must be able to
face ourselves in the mirror in the morning. Playing beyond safeword means that
as a top you have now moved passed the level your bottom wishes to go; his body
is now in your hands to do with as you see fit. There is a big responsibility
here not only to your bottom but to yourself as well.
Playing without safewords - This is quite different than playing beyond a
safeword. Playing without safewords involves trust, communication and common
sense. There are many players these days who feel that safewords are not
beneficial to them. There is the old adage that if the bottom has a safeword
then he is ultimately controlling the scene. Some call this topping from the
bottom. For experienced players and those who have been in committed
relationships for some time the thought is there is no need for a safeword.
Careful observance of body language gives the top clues needed in order to
judge the intensity of the scene. This type of play involves levels of trust
and communication. Experience teaches a top the subtle body language needed to
diagnose what’s going on with a bottom. There is also the moment when the
bottom turns to you and says, “If you do that one more time, I’m gonna get
loose and kill you with that toy.” This defining moment tends to let a top know
that for their own safety it might be a good idea to try something else. There
are many ways of communicating other than using safewords.
The fear of safewords - I have come to the conclusion that there are many
people who have an intense fear of using safewords, especially in a public
arena. The reasons range from not wanting anyone to know they have limitations
to a fear of being judged by others for using their safeword. Bottoms fear that
by using their safewords they are in some way letting down the top. This in and
of itself is a danger, especially if a top is of the impression that you will
safeword as needed. This is where it is vitally important that a top be able to
read a bottom’s body. Inexperience can lead to harm not only to the bottom but
to the top’s mental attitude as well. If you have a fear of using a safeword
you should discuss this with your play partner in advance. For the experienced
top and novice bottom it is important that the two establish a relationship
where there is no fear, order them to safeword, let them know it’s okay, give
them comfort and stability in facing this fear. For the top the fear in safewords
is the fear of going too far, hearing that safeword for some means they have
failed the bottom. They should have been more careful; they shouldn’t have used
that particular toy; they are, quite frankly, embarrassed. At this point it is
not only vital that the top comfort the bottom but vice versa. For some tops
hearing a safeword to stop a scene creates a feeling of inadequacy that many
find difficult to overcome. It is important here to realize that this is not
the place for fault and blame for the bottom or the top. Play changes during
each scene; moods, emotions, and physical strength change from day to day. The
way you played yesterday will be different than the way you play today. Make
sure you communicate with each other and ease any concerns that the top or
bottom have when a safeword has been used.
Safewords and safety - Do safewords truly keep you safe, can you rely on
them to keep you from getting hurt? The answer to that question is a resounding
NO! For the bottom completely relying on using a word to stop a scene can be
dangerous. Playing with someone you don’t know and thinking that a safeword
will protect you can be dangerous. Feeling secure in a word is a long way from
feeling secure with a play partner. For the top, counting on a partner to
safeword can be equally dangerous. You may think the bottom wants to be beaten
bloody, counting on the bottom to safeword when they wish to end the scene,
however the fear of using safewords may take over the bottom’s mind and thus
you are now both in a situation where you do not wish to be. Also a bottom may
not realize what is actually happening to his body. When the endorphins begin
to flow and bottom space is reached it is sometimes difficult for the bottom to
realize what exactly is happening to his body. A responsible top must know when
to say enough is enough and to end the scene.
Different types of safewords - “Master, please have mercy” is a very erotic way
of letting a top know things are very intense; perhaps the top would like to
ease the level of play. Using a yellow in this manner leaves both the feeling
that the top is still in control, and although the bottom may beg for mercy, it
is the top’s decision whether to grant it or not. “Please Master I beg for
more” is a green beyond question. If the bottom feels that the top is concerned
about crossing a past limitation this is an excellent way of letting the top
know it’s okay to keep going. “Master please save your loyal servant for
another day” is a great red. So not only can safewords let you know where a
scene is going but they can be very erotic as well.
What this study should teach us is that
there are many different safewords, many ways of saying them, and many ways of
using them. As with all things in the BDSM lifestyle, there is a personal
choice where safewords are concerned. As with all personal choices there is a
responsibility attached and we must be ready to accept that responsibility.
Tops - You must accept the responsibility of a safeword. You must adhere to
your pre- negotiated rules of play. If you use safewords you must respect them
and play by their rules. Make the bottom feel comfortable and safe in using
their words of choice. Never judge! If you do not use safewords you must know
that it is now your responsibility to keep the bottom safe from harm. Have the
knowledge and experience to know when the scene should end. And above all,
communicate.
Bottoms - You must accept the responsibility of a safeword. If you are playing
with a safeword you should not expect the top to read your mind. You must be
prepared to use it when necessary. Do not place the entire burden for your
safety on the top you’re playing with. Submission does not mean you lose your
mind or your sanity. If a scene ends prematurely don’t judge the top you’re
playing with; odds are they know more about what your body is doing at that
moment in time than you do. And above all, communicate.
Reproduced with specific permission by the
author www.albanypowerexchange.com/BDSMinfo/safe_words.htm